One of my passions is helping people create powerful, loving, conscious, sexually fulfilling relationships. So often men and women are mystified by why they keep messing up their relationships. They have deeply unsatisfying or even painful sex. They find themselves trapped in constant power struggles. They don’t know why they lose their attraction to their partner and grow distant. They may even find themselves doing destructive things, regretting their actions and words, which sabotage the relationship.
When I work with my clients they all begin in the same place: dissatisfaction with some aspect of an existing or previous relationship. (Read about the three challenges couples face here). Couples are seeking to create more harmony, better connection, greater intimacy and more love, while singles are often looking for how to choose a better partner and how to avoid making the same old relationship mistakes. The answer in each case starts by looking at the underlying patterns of thought, behavior, and emotion that lead to unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships. You can think of the underlying pattern as your relationship blueprint. We all have one. And some work better than others.
For 15 years I was a general contractor. Although I specialized in doors and gates, I did do a small amount of construction and remodeling. When it comes to constructing a building, the first thing that needs to happen is the illustrated plan, or blueprint. This shows where everything goes ranging from the foundation to the roof, the framing, and even the electrical wiring. Once that is complete the sheetrock, flooring, paint and decor can be added. If you decide that you prefer to make changes after the construction is done, a new or edited blueprint is necessary. Just like a home or building, you have a blueprint of sorts. In this analogy, your blueprint was created by your parents, caregivers, educators and heroes as well as your peers. Another applicable analogy is your computer. In order for it to work optimally, upgrades are constantly being made. Your blueprint is your given program and is likely far overdue for an upgrade!
I use the analogy of a blueprint because it quickly helps those I coach to grasp this important principle: the way you consciously and unconsciously view yourself and your relationship forms the foundation from which your experience is created. Just like the builders use their blueprints to get the directions for what they build, your thoughts and actions take direction from the blueprint you hold for yourself and your relationships. Simply put, a blueprint is a subconscious belief system that limits one’s ability to see alternatives to their challenges. It’s a pattern, a field of energy that dictates the precise movements and limitations possible. Most people have an energetic and behavioral blueprint that determines much of their happiness or misery. In order to effectively manage anything, a form of accurate measurement needs to be present. Your blueprint will allow you to measure what you want to experience against what you are experiencing.
If you are dissatisfied with the experience you are having and want to make lasting change in your life, you will first want to edit or create a new blueprint so your mind and body will be receptive to those changes. This will allow you to change perceptions and behavior through principles and practices that will allow your built-in perceptions and behaviors to be upgraded much like you upgrade your phone or computer. Unlike your phone or computer everything that you need is already inside you. All that you need are some tools and guidance as well as the commitment to change. Your body, including your mind, is your temple. To be a great lover and have a successful relationship, you need a blueprint to match.
It’s heartbreaking to see how long people often live with unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships. It’s equally difficult to see men who have given up on finding and having lasting love in their lives. I have seen couples and singles do the work of looking for and defining their relationship blueprint and then making changes to that blueprint. The results can seem like magic, but it’s not magic at all. It’s common sense. When you find the outdated ideas you hold (consciously and unconsciously) about love, sex, romance and relationship, and so the work to update those ideas, you get results.
What’s Your Relationship Blueprint?
The following questions will help you uncover any old outdated programing you have in order to make space for something new. Not only will you be learning about the opposite sex you will be getting to know yourself much better in the process. This process allows you to literally pick and choose what programs (thoughts and actions) you run on a daily basis. Answer these 10 questions to help you uncover your wants and desires, as well as the blocks you want to dissolve.
- What is your chief complaint about your current or past partner?
- What is the chief complaint your current or past partner(s) has had about you?
- If you had a magic wand and could wave it and change one thing about yourself what would it be?
- If you could change one thing about women, what would it be?
- What negative things did you see or experience in your parents’ relationship? Were there other couples you were close to like grandparents, aunts and uncles, or neighbors? If so, what negative things did you see or experience in their relationships?
- What positive things did you see or experience in your parents’ relationship? Were there other couples you were close to like grandparents, aunts and uncles, or neighbors? If so, what positive things did you see or experience in their relationships?
- What movies about love, sex, romance and relationships shaped your idea and expectations of what you wanted from a relationship?
- How did the experiences you had with your male peers in high school, college, the military, or other social groups affect your ideas about what to expect from a relationship and how to act toward women?
- How did the experiences you had with women in high school, college, the military, or other social groups affect your ideas about what to expect from a relationship and how to act toward women?
- Write one or two sentences that encapsulate your philosophy on relationships.